First of all, let me tell you that I made an appointment at a salon. For Saturday. That's tomorrow. And I'm scared whitless (substitute an S for that W and you've got what I'm really feeling.) I keep repeating to myself: "I will not cancel. I will go." But holy heck I think I'm going to hyperventilate if I think about it too much. I may have just a little bit of an anxiety problem. Just maybe.
Now onto what I wanted to tell everyone earlier, but never got the chance to because Blogger hates me. Ahem, where was I? Oh yeah, babies.
Today I did my daily reading of blogs that I find very entertaining, and I found two that were talking about babies. (They are here and here.) Specifically, they were talking about deciding when/if to have another child. And I have to say that reading those posts filled me with guilt.
My guilt stems from this: I didn't want any children, and then was blessed with two. My kids were both surprises. Not accidents, mind you, but surprises. (Accident sounds too much like something bad happened.) Also, I never struggled with my decision to only have two. For me, it was a no-brainer.
If you would have asked me if I wanted children in my previous before-children life, I would have probably said no. Or maybe. But probably no. Because I didn't think I was a kid kind of person. I didn't know what to do with babies, or even little children for that matter. I never had the urge to hold a baby, or smell their downy soft heads. I didn't even babysit much as a teen. Kids just weren't my thing.
But then I had my son. And I realized that being maternal was just something that kicked in for me. I didn't have to work at it. I didn't even resent him taking over my life. I decided to stay home with him, and never once thought about what I was missing. It was what I wanted to do. Then when he was 8 months old, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. (They are only 17 months apart.) I was surprised, but not disappointed.
I'm not going to lie to you, I did have moments of, how are we going to pay for all this? Can I handle two kids under 2? But I found I could handle it. Without having a nervous breakdown!
After my daughter was born I suffered through a bout of postpartum depression. It was hard, and I'm just going to leave it at that. Once I came through the other side, however, I found that the two children were, indeed, just right for me. I had my tubes tied immediately after giving birth to my daughter, and I haven't regretted it since.
So when I read about people who are struggling to have a baby or who are trying to decide if they want another, and when would be the best time to have one, I feel guilty. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world for being given my two children and knowing that only two were what I wanted. I didn't ask for them, but I am so amazingly grateful that they are here. Because I really am a kid kind of person after all.