Monday, March 05, 2007

I'm withdrawn.

I had such a nice weekend with my family. We were (mostly) feeling better and the weather was beautiful and we didn't have anywhere we had to be or anything we had to do. So we enjoyed ourselves. Which was nice.

I've been drawing back into myself lately - withdrawing, if you will. It's a process that will occur with me from time to time. Usually it happens during a time when things are stressful, but sometimes, like now, it's during a time when I'm trying to make a decision.

I've gone to both ends of the spectrum in my decision making thoughts. I though I had finally gotten a grip on myself and told myself to "buck up, camper," only to become fickle and decide the total opposite. I've gone from deciding I'm going to do it, to deciding that I'm not. And then back again.

When the decision effects more than just me, it becomes hard. When it effects others outside of my family, it makes it even harder. When I can place myself in the person's shoes who would be effected by my decision, it seems cruel to deny them. It seems like a personal rejection. But if I place myself in my family's shoes - or even another person who is in my situation - then it seems practical to decide not to do it. It seems like a very smart decision to make.

My problem is that I'm seeing it from both sides too often, and it's making me go back and forth. It's making me capricious.

My husband is truly sick of hearing about it. He's reached the point where he just wants me to tell him when I have finally made up my mind. He doesn't want to hear the angst anymore. Being the wonderful husband he is, he has made it very clear that he supports me whatever the outcome may be. "It'll be okay," whatever I decide.

But I think that all the support may have made it harder for me to decide. If I had someone pushing me in one direction, it would give me the extra oomph I need to either go with the pushing - or fight against it - thereby making a decision by default.

Sometimes I do just wish someone would decide for me. Because I'm scared of being responsible for making everything go bad. That's really what the problem is: I don't want to ruin it all.


Lindsey said...

Hey, just wondering what your "big" decision is? Not that it's any of my business but just made me wonder???

E said... me Lindsey. I can't find your email address at the moment and I don't want to write it up here. It's no real biggie, in the whole scheme of things, but just something I don't want to share with the whole wide world.